


She's a Sticky-Fingered Filcher

by toxic_corn



Category: Firefly
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-28
Updated: 2006-03-28
Packaged: 2018-09-14 09:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9174337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxic_corn/pseuds/toxic_corn
Summary: River resorts to petty thievery to get Jayne's attention.





	1. Hat and Coat

**Author's Note:**

> This all came about after listening to [ the theme song](http://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/whereintheworldiscarmensandiegolyrics.html) of one of my favorite childhood tv shows, [ Where In the World is Carmen San Diego](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Where_in_the_World_is_Carmen_Sandiego%3F), then innocently telling a friend that it reminded me of River. And a fic was born. Thanks to Katsqueaks for the beta job, inspiration, and encouragement.

Serenity was still a few hours away from Persephone so there wasn’t any real reason Mal needed his coat. Kaylee kept his ship at a comfortable enough temperature that the Doc’s sis could run around barefoot so it wasn’t that it was cold. It’s just that the weight of his coat was comforting and he liked the way it swished with every move he made. Some folk might say that his coat was his security blanket. Well, some folk needed to be popped in the mouth.

  
Mal was not distressed, just very concerned when he didn’t find his coat hanging in his closet. He looked under his bed and all over his bunk in a completely not panicked way.

  
_Think, Malcolm. Where do you know you had it last?_

  
His mother’s reasonable voice made him pause in the middle of tearing up his bedding.

  
The mess! He and Zoe’d been going over the details of their next drop and he’d been wearing his coat.

  
Scrambling up the ladder, Mal was nearly to the mess when he heard something. Music. Really weird music.

  
_She’ll take you for a ride on a slow boat to China, tell me where in the world is Carmen San Diego?_

  
“What now?” Mal reluctantly abandoned his search and followed the music to the cargo bay. Where he found River, wearing his coat and a big, red fedora, twirling a giggling Kaylee while his crew looked on as if it were all completely normal.

  
“Someone mind tellin’ me what’s goin’ on?” Mal asked, not sounding as authoritative as he would’ve liked.

  
Kaylee beamed at him, mid-spin. “I’n’t this a shiny song, Cap’n? They’re just usin’ their voices! No instruments!”

  
Zoe, Inara, and Wash started to clap to the beat.

  
Bewildered, Mal turned to Simon. "Is it possible for that sister of yours to make my crew extra crazy?"

  
Simon smiled, his gaze never wavering from the dancers. “There’s a distinct possibility.”

  
“Don’t know what yer all gawpin’ at,” Jayne grumped from his perch at the bottom of the stairs. “Crazy Girl’s always spinnin’ around like a lunatic.”  


Zoe raised an eyebrow at him. “You’ve been here the longest out of all of us, Jayne.”

  
Off of Mal’s curious look, Jayne started fiddling with one of the many zippers on his pants. “Aw, hell, I’m just waitin’ on them to clear out so’s I can work my weights is all.”

  
Wash shared a skeptical look with the others and said, “Yeah, keep telling yourself that. It’s not like all of us haven’t figured out your deep dark secret by now.”

  
“’Cept the Doc,” Mal said. “He don’t know.”

  
Simon tore his gaze from Kaylee and River. He looked at Jayne’s scowl and everyone else’s amusement. His brow furrowed. “What? What don’t I know?”

  
“Nothin’.”

  
“It’s not important.”  
  
  
“You don’t need to know.”

  
“You don’t _want_ to know.”

  
“Ain’t nothin’ _to_ know, gorramit!”

  
The song ended and Kaylee ran to switch off her little radio she left on a crate. She grinned as everyone but Jayne applauded and she bounced over to poke Simon in the chest.

  
“You shoulda danced with us, silly,” Kaylee teased.

  
“Oh, I’m afraid River inherited all of the dancing aptitude in our family,” Simon said, looking embarrassed. “All I got was two left feet.”

  
“And doctorin’ skills,” she gently reminded him.

  
Simon smiled. “Those too.”

  
“Hey now, if it’s not too much trouble, could I get my coat back?” Mal called to River, who was still twirling away.

  
“ _Mei-mei_ , give the captain his coat back,” Simon said in his ‘brother knows best’ voice.  


River stopped twirling and walked towards them in her dreamy, graceful fashion. She shrugged the coat off and folded it reverently over her arm.

  
“He was bored in his seclusion,” River said, running her fingers over a lapel. She sent Mal an accusatory look. “You never take him out dancing.”

  
Mal held a hand out. “Well, maybe I best leave that to you. But next time, ask first before taking, _dong ma_?”

  
River nodded and gave up the coat. “That is fair.”

  
Mal slid his coat on. He nodded at the big, red fedora still on River’s head. “And uh, where did you find that ridiculous hat?”

  
Just then, Book came out on the catwalk, a perplexed look on his face. “Excuse me, I hate to accuse anyone, but someone’s been rummaging through my things and-“ He stopped when he saw the others.

  
River took the hat off and sailed it up to Book as if it were a discus.

  
“Thank you,” Book murmured and exited hastily.

  
Mal blinked. “I knew the man had secrets, but I never woulda guessed one of ‘em to be a red fedora.” He patted his pocket affectionately and took a deep breath. “Better get back up to the bridge, Wash. We’ll be dockin’ at Persephone soon and these slightly illegal goods aren’t gonna unload themselves.” He sent a look everyone’s way and they all went scuttling about their jobs.

  
Following Wash up the stairs, Mal grinned as he felt his coat tails brushing the backs of his legs.


	2. Vera

Jayne blinked himself awake and stretched, letting out a rumbling purr. Naps right after lunch were the best kind. ‘Cept maybe for naps right after breakfast. Or dinner. Or a light snack. Smacking his lips, he pulled down the blanket concealing his gun collection and froze.

 

There was a big, empty, Vera-shaped space on his wall. He only allowed the horror of the situation to take over for a moment before mentally running through his small list of suspects.

 

Who was stealthy enough to get into his bunk, climb over him, and grab his gun without waking him up? And who had the lack of personal boundaries to do it?

 

“Gorram girl,” Jayne growled, stuffing his feet into his boots. “Should leave her at the next port we come to. That’ll learn ‘er not to steal folks’ guns.”

 

After slamming angrily out of his bunk, Jayne started checking all the places the girl usually lurked. The bridge (“AHHHHH! Don’t slam in here like- okay, bye?”), the mess (“Well, Jayne, we already served lunch and dinner isn’t for anoth- hey!”), the infirmary (“Can I help you with… something…?”), the common area, the cargo bay. Her room. No girl.

 

As he slid her door shut, Jayne allowed the niggling little thought that had been squashed in favor of his anger to speak up.

 

That itty, bitty crazy girl was running loose with Vera. A very large and very deadly gun. 

 

“ _Ta ma de_.” Jayne ran a hand over his face. “Mal’s gonna kill me.”

 

Never mind that it wasn’t his fault. Since Jayne was the one with all his marbles in his head, he’d be the one to blame when the moonbrain started gunnin’ down the crew while babblin’ about ducks or something.

 

Grumbling, he started to head back to the mess to tell Mal everything when he bumped into Kaylee, who was carrying a tray of cookies.

 

“Oops! Sorry, Jayne,” Kaylee chirped and moved on.

 

Mal’s killin’ him could wait a few seconds, right? Besides, once they all heard gunfire, they’d know what was goin’ on.

 

“I didn’t know we had cookies,” Jayne said, sniffing. He started to jog after the mechanic. “Where ya goin’?”

 

“Me ‘n River are havin’ a tea party in ‘Nara’s shuttle.”

 

Jayne’s eyes narrowed. “Really now?”

 

“Uh huh. I’d invite ya, but no boys allowed.”

 

“What?!”

 

“River said.” Kaylee shrugged. “You could prolly peek in and say ‘hi’ if you wanted.”

 

“I think I’ll do that. You know, just to be polite.”

 

Kaylee smiled, seeing right through him. “Uh-huh.”

 

They made it to Inara’s shuttle and as soon as Jayne stepped foot inside, his jaw hit the ground.

 

Inara had arranged some cushions around a little table and River was pouring the tea with a sweet look of concentration on her face. He noticed that she had her wild hair pulled back out of her face for once and she was all manner of shiny, but then he noticed that River wasn’t pouring tea for herself or Inara or Kaylee.

 

Balanced on one of the cushions was Vera. Wearing Mal’s floral bonnet.

 

“You like two sugars, right Vera?” River asked the gun politely.

 

“ _What_!” Jayne exploded.

 

Everyone jumped in surprise.

 

“What the hell is goin’ on here? Is _everyone_ out of their ruttin’ mind?”

 

Kaylee set her tray on the table and lowered herself onto a cushion. “We’re havin’ a tea party, Jayne. I told ya.” She smiled and held out her cup for River to fill.

 

“You didn’t say my gorram gun was the guest of honor!” He glared at Inara. “Didn’t Mal say she wasn’t s’posed to be touchin’ guns? How does lettin’ her play dress-up with one o’ mine seem like a good idea?!”

 

Inara gave him an icy look. “I assumed that you knew. How else could she have gotten it?”

 

Damn it. He wasn’t about to admit that a girl had crawled all over him and he’d managed to stay asleep. So he settled for glowering at the tea table.

 

“It ain’t loaded, Jayne,” Kaylee said. “And Cap’n knows Vera’s here anyway.”

 

Jayne jerked, looking thunderstruck. “He does?”

 

Kaylee nodded at the bonnet. “We had to borrow that, after all.”

 

“Ask first before you take,” River recited, passing Inara the cookie tray.

 

“You didn’t ask me before takin’ Vera!”

 

“She asked. There was no answer. She interpreted his silence as acquiescence.”

 

“I was asleep!”

 

River frowned at him. “No boys are allowed at my tea party. He is not invited.”

 

Jayne felt a little pang of hurt but covered it up with emotions more familiar to him. He folded his arms and planted his feet stubbornly. “I ain’t leavin’ without Vera.”

 

“She ain’t leavin’ without her fill o’ tea ‘n cookies,” River responded in kind, further rankling him.

 

“C’mon Jayne, you’re spoilin’ the fun,” Kaylee said in a little voice.

 

River’s eyes went glassy as she stared at him and she tilted her head to the side. Jayne frowned and took a step forward. “Girl?”

 

“River dear, are you alright?” Inara placed a hand on River’s shoulder in concern. “I can call Mal and he’ll make Jayne go away.”

 

“No, she wants him to stay.”

 

Everyone blinked in surprise.

 

“Vera,” River clarified. “She says that even though he has man parts, he has a girl’s name and that’s adequate enough to attend a girl’s tea party.”

 

“I don’t want a damn tea party, I want my gun!” 

 

But he still took a seat between Vera and River and when offered the cookies, he eagerly grabbed four off the plate and shoved one whole into his mouth.

 

“His manners are deplorable,” River said, flatly.

 

“Wha?” Jayne sprayed crumbs through the air, making Kaylee giggle and nearly snot out her tea while Inara sighed in exasperation.

 

River’s eyes twinkled at him and Jayne found himself smiling back. Until she leaned across him to whisper to Vera, “It’s alright. We’ll teach him.”


	3. Umbrella

Work was getting harder to find and the overall feeling aboard Serenity was pretty miserable. Even Kaylee’s cheer seemed forced. Mal had a few connections on some outer-rim hell-pit no one had heard of, so they were headed out that way, though Mal didn’t seem too hopeful.

 

When faced with such low spirits, Jayne did what he always did: he went to the cargo bay to work his body into exhaustion so he could get some half-way decent sleep. Sometimes he’d go and the crazy girl would be there humming that weird song she liked, or maybe dancing a little. She was always a nice distraction.

 

Today was no disappointment. Though she was holding Kaylee’s rainbow-colored umbrella, which was a change.

 

“Whatcha up to, Crazy?” he called out as he made his way down the stairs.

 

She had her eyes closed, face tilted up towards the light. “Listening to the waves.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“The ocean.”

 

Jayne sat down on the steps, smirking. “We’re a long ways from any ocean, girl.”

 

A smile spread across her face. “It’s called make believe."

 

Oh. Jayne rubbed the back of his neck. “Wouldn’t mind bein’ at a beach, myself. Ain’t been to one in a long time.”

 

“The sandpipers are playing in the castle she built,” River said. “They can’t decide who should be king so they all are.”

 

Jayne shook his head. “Sounds confusing.”

 

“No. They’re happy. Not like here.”

 

“Times’re hard, that’s all. Once things pick up, we’ll be a damn sight happier than some _feng le_ sandpipers.”

 

River laughed delightedly, bringing a smile to his own face. She opened her eyes and beckoned to him. “The sun is getting hot. Come share the shade with me.”

 

He was halfway up before he realized what he was doing. “Girl, I’m too old for games.”

 

“He’s embarrassed.”

 

“Am not!” Jayne snapped. “Just think it’s stupid to be playin’ games when we’re facin’ the idea of starvin’ or losin’ the ship.”

 

The girl spun the umbrella around. “There’s a job waiting. No cause for worry.”

 

“Yeah?” The worry that had been building in his gut the last month started to dissolve. “You know that for a fact? Seen it with your…?” He wiggled his fingers next to his head.

 

She giggled and imitated his gesture. “She has. But keep it secret. Overconfidence could ruin everything.”

 

“Okay,” Jayne said, doubtfully.

 

River sighed softly. “Simon is looking for her.” She took Jayne by the hand and he nearly leaped out of his skin. But all she did was put the umbrella in his paw and curl his fingers around the handle. Her hands were cool and smooth.

 

“What’d you do that fer?” he asked, gruffly.

 

“The castle needs a moat. Say hello to the pipers for me!” River’s eyes glittered in that shiny way he was coming to like and she skipped away.

 

He stayed standing there, clutching the umbrella and watching where she’d disappeared. Crazy little girl.

 

But he turned away and tilted his head up to the lights, closing his eyes. He furrowed his brow, listening hard.

 

“Uh, Jayne? What’re ya doin’ with my umbrella?”


	4. T-Rex

The drop had gone well. Everyone got paid, Mal didn’t get shot, and they’d all gotten some free time planetside before taking off for one of the fancy Core planets so Inara could pick up a client. All of this had the makings for a shiny, happy mood. 

 

In his haste to turn the page of his gun magazine, Jayne accidentally tore it and growled. If one part of his life was perfect, another part had to go to hell, rule of the gorram ‘verse. Before he could really work himself up, he stopped that train of thought and stared hard at the page before him.

 

“Hiya, Jayne.”

 

Jumping, Jayne looked around for the source of the gruff voice and saw that across the table from him was one of Wash’s toy dinosaurs clutched in a little hand. He started to peek under the table.

 

“Up here, big guy.”

 

He snorted. “Fer cryin’ out loud…”

 

“I’m Tyrannosaurus Rex: Thunder Lizard. But you can call me Rex.” She paused a moment then added, “Rawr.”

 

“Yeah, right. I’m tryin’ to read here _Rex_ , so how’s about-“

 

“Aw, what _go se_. You’re just lookin’ at the pictures."

 

Jayne’s eyes widened in surprise before narrowing. “I don’t think that brother o’ yours would like-“

 

“Don’t have any brothers. I’m an only child.”

 

Fine, if she really wanted to play… 

 

“’Zat so?” Jayne sat back and crossed his arms, giving up on his reading.

 

“Yep. I used to have siblings but I ate ‘em to get rid of the competition.”

 

Jayne snorted out a laugh.

 

“So, what planet were you all just on? Pomona?” 

 

“Uh huh.” He glanced at the door, hoping no one would walk in and catch him talking to a plastic dinosaur.

 

“I heard the women on Pomona are… nice.” With a flick of her wrist, the damn toy actually seemed to be leering knowingly at him.

 

Jayne’s face darkened at the mention of Pomona. “How’s about we change the subject, Rex?”

 

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to presume. I just figured that since River was able to find some male company, than you wouldn’t have any trouble with the lady folk."

 

“What?” If Jayne’s face was dark before, it was a full on storm now. His fists clenched.

 

“Oh yeah,” Rex said, casually. “The crazy girl and Kaylee went out for ice cream and some young dandy offered her a sundae, his treat. Nice lookin’ kid, too.”

 

This game wasn’t fun no more. He was picking up his magazine and just lifting out of his seat when she continued, “Seemed real heartbroken when she told him she had her own money.”

 

A smile twitched at the corner of Jayne’s mouth and he sat down. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah. Kaylee’s been teasing her about it ever since. She thinks River didn’t know what he meant by it.”

 

“But she knew,” Jayne said, feeling proud for some reason.

 

“She sure did. So you’re tellin’ me that on a planet where a girl can just walk into an ice cream shop and get picked up, a strapping guy like you was hurtin’ on female company?”

 

Jayne was silent. He’d gone looking, sure. But not many whores on Pomona had dark hair. And whenever he found one, she’d had the wrong body type. It took hours to find a dark-haired skinny minny and when he had, her eyes were all wrong. He’d ended up going back to the ship, frustrated and angry with himself.

 

“I looked around and didn’t find anything I liked,” Jayne said, honestly. 

 

“C’mon, I saw you go out in that ugly shirt of yours and you were gone for hours.”

 

With a loud click everything snapped into place. She was just checkin’ up on- Wait.

 

“What ugly shirt? You mean my good shirt?!”

 

“That stripey thing with the sleeves.”

 

“My good shirt! It ain’t ugly!”

 

“Pffft.”

 

Jayne snarled. “Now you listen up good, missy-“

 

“I ain’t no ‘missy!’” Rex exclaimed indignantly.

 

“I’m talkin’ to _River_ dammit and I’m callin’ this game to a stop as of _right now_!” He couldn’t see her but he could tell she was pouting. Gorram girl. “I went out in my _good shirt_ , yes. But I didn’t find anyone I wanted to make time with, _dong ma_? So drop it!”

 

There was a long silence. Jayne began to feel a teensy bit guilty for yelling and started to look under the table again, but was stopped once more.

 

“Oh, hey! A puppet show! Why didn’t anyone call me?” Wash bounced into the room and set about making some tea.

 

“Because they were not shadow puppets,” River answered.

 

Wash laughed. “Good point. You know, you’re gettin' to be a real cat burglar, River. I was in the cockpit all day and I didn’t even see you snatch Rex, there.”

 

River finally stood up and looked at Jayne for the first time. With surprise, he noticed that she must’ve been crying earlier in the day; her eyes were all bloodshot. He really didn’t want to believe it was because of him, but he knew better.

 

“I’ll go put him back now,” she said over her shoulder to Wash. She looked back to Jayne and smiled softly. “He knows his place.”

 

Jayne watched her dash out of the room and frowned. Was she…? Did she just…? Naw, she didn’t just _claim_ him. Jayne was his own man and he didn’t have to answer to anybody, least of all some addle-brained girl. 

 

Wash sat down across from Jayne and he could feel the pilot looking at him. But when he snapped his head around to catch him, Wash was sipping his tea, looking like he was trying not to smile.


	5. Reflex Hammer

It seemed like everywhere he went these days, the girl popped up. Serenity wasn't that big of a ship, true, but it threw Jayne off, having her turn up wherever he planned to be. Now, here he was lifting weights with Shepherd Book and she wasn't anywhere around. Damn if he wasn't missing her a little.

 

 

Puffing, Jayne finished his last rep and Book helped him set the barbell back into place.

 

 

"I think you may have overdone it today," Book mildly reprimanded him.

 

 

"Naw, I needed it. 'Ve been wound up too tight late…" He felt something brush his knee and smiled. Without looking up from toweling the sweat off his face, Jayne asked, "What're ya doin' to me, girl?"

 

 

"Testing your reflexes."

 

 

Jayne sat up and saw River before him, waving at him with a little rubber mallet. 

 

 

"For such a big damn genius, ya did it wrong. My leg didn't kick out or nothin'." He was a little surprised at how teasing he sounded.

 

 

River rolled her eyes. "I wasn't testing _those_ reflexes. Was testing your River reflexes."

 

 

"Yeah?" Jayne scooted back on the bench a little, straddling it. "How'd I do?"

 

 

"You passed with flying colors."

 

 

"Well, hot damn! Flying colors even, shepherd!"

 

 

Book smiled, eyes crinkling. "Congratulations."

 

 

"And for being such a good patient…" From the pocket of her pretty blue sundress, River pulled out a lollipop and handed it to him. 

 

 

Jayne read the label. "Caramel apple? Hell, I should get my River reflexes tested every day." 

 

 

River laughed and sat beside him, watching him eagerly unwrap his treat and stick it in his mouth. The tart apple taste stung his taste buds and made his mouth pool with saliva. 

 

 

"Fanks," he said, remembering his manners.

 

 

"You're welcome." She continued to watch him, eyes twinkling as she twirled the mallet around her fingers. 

 

 

Jayne nodded at it. "Funny the doc has one of those. Can't recollect ever seein' him use it." 

 

 

"Every good doctor has one," River said. "Like a stethoscope."

 

 

"Or one of those popsicle stick things they shove down yer throat," Jayne added.

 

 

"Or a blood pressure armband," Book supplied.

 

 

"Aww, I hate those things," Jayne said, frowning. "Makes yer arm feel like it's gonna explode." 

 

 

River giggled and leaned toward him as if to tell him a secret. He leaned towards her as well. To better hear the secret, of course.

 

 

"Once when Simon was small, he got his blood pressure checked. But the doctor didn't warn him that it would hurt. So Simon punched him."

 

 

Jayne's eyes widened and his respect for the doctor increased. "The hell you say!"

 

 

"It's true!" River said through giggles. "Right in the nose; made him bleed!"

 

 

Jayne doubled over, snickering. The mental image of a mini prissy Simon punching anyone, let alone another doctor, in the snot box was priceless. Even Book chuckled along with them.

 

 

Once they'd all calmed, Jayne said, "Funny he'd grow up to be a doctor. Think somethin' like that would put him off it for life." 

 

 

River's smile faded. "Not funny. He wanted to be a good doctor, not like all the liars. The liars with their needles and hurts and falsehoods…" She was rubbing her arm and staring down at the ground, lost in her old terror.

 

 

Without thinking, Jayne reached out and took her hand, stilling its movement. She turned her big eyes on him and he leaned toward her a little. 

 

 

"Yer safe here. Ain't gonna let 'em get ya back again. Are we, preacher?" He tacked that last bit on when the girl turned her hand in his and linked their fingers together. _We ain't alone, girl._

 

 

"That's right," Book said, quietly.

 

 

" _Mei-mei_? What's going on here?" Simon appeared in the doorway, effectively breaking the silence and startling all three of them. 

 

 

Jayne shook the girl's hand off, hoping the doc hadn't noticed. From the suspicious look on his face though, it looked like he had. _Damn it._

 

 

"River?"

 

 

"River was just entertaining us with some of your earlier exploits," Book said, stepping over to block Jayne from view.

 

 

"Earlier ex- River, what have you been telling them?!"

 

 

River's face was the very picture of innocence. "Dr. Wild."

 

 

Simon surprised Jayne by laughing. "I never should have told you that story. What's that in your hand?"

 

 

"A violin."

 

 

"You took that from the infirmary, didn't you?"

 

 

"Found it floating in space."

 

 

Simon sighed. "She hasn't had a psychotic episode in months, I thought she was improving."

 

Jayne growled and gently but firmly pushed Book aside to see Simon. "Dammit, Doc, she ain't havin' an episode; she's bein' a smartass!" 

 

 

Simon turned pink while Book hid his amusement by faking a cough.

 

 

"He understands her humor!" River beamed at Jayne and he grinned back a little.

 

 

But he stopped when he looked back to Simon and saw the way the doc was watching the two of them. Back and forth looking confused, then shocked, then just plain tired.

 

 

" _Mei mei_ , let's go put that back."

 

 

River stared at her brother for a long moment then nodded once. She allowed Simon to lead her from the room without so much as a glance backwards. 

 

 

Jayne took the lollipop that now tasted like sawdust out of his mouth. He barely felt it when Book's hand settled on his shoulder. 

 

 

"Son, you have to understand that she's very young and Si-"

 

 

"I know." Jayne shrugged off Book's well-intentioned hand. "I know."

 

 

"I don't think you're-"

 

 

But Jayne got up and stalked away without letting the shepherd finish. He'd feel guilty later. Maybe it'd keep his mind off of pretty little girls too good and innocent for the likes of him.


	6. Handbook

For the last week or so, Jayne made sure to avoid the crazy girl. The only places he went were the mess and his bunk and if there was a job he waited for Mal to call impatiently for him before coming out. He got the job done and then retreated back to his bunk.

 

Yeah, it was boring. But it was safe.

 

So he was shocked one day, when coming back from a drop, to find River in his bunk.

 

She looked all cute lying there on his bed with a big book. Kind of like she belonged there, despite the wall of guns and all the nudie pics on the walls. 

 

He didn't know how long he stood there gawping, but he snapped out of his River-induced spell when she looked up at him. She was smiling, that familiar sparkle in her eye.

 

He pointed up the ladder. "Out."

 

She stuck out her lower lip. "She's just reading."

 

"That's fine," Jayne said, bending over to unlace his boots. _Can't look at her when she's poutin' like that…_ "Just do it someplace else."

 

He hazarded a glance at her and she was simply looking at him, blankly.

 

"Someplace _not here_ ," he stressed.

 

Infuriatingly, the girl went back to her book.

 

"C'mon, get out," Jayne said in what he knew was a whining tone, but he didn't care. "I've had a hard day and I wanna lay down!" 

 

"You can lay down," River said, shuffling over.

 

Tempting. So tempting that it hurt and he growled in frustration.

 

"Fine." River sighed, heavily. "But she wants his opinion on something first." 

 

Anything, so long as she left. "What?"

 

She held out the book. "Which do you find more pleasurable, figure one or figure two?"

 

Frowning suspiciously, Jayne took the book out of her hands and sputtered at the extremely graphic illustrations of a man and woman pleasuring one another. Normally something that he'd save for a special occasion, but this sure as hell wasn't it. He tossed the book across the room as if it burned him, letting loose a long string of curses. 

 

"Does 'Nara know you got one o' her training books?" Jayne demanded.

 

"You didn't answer her question," River said, sternly.

 

"And I ain't gonna! Now take that," he pointed at the book, "and get out!"

 

River's face flushed red. "Why?"

 

"Because!" Jayne barked. "It ain't gonna be that way with you 'n me! We're not gonna be figure one-in' or figure two-in' so you can just get that outta your crazy head!"

 

"She thought you liked the girl," River said, quietly.

 

Her sad, little voice gouged at his already overloaded conscience. Hell, he knew he was being unfair; he'd been the one who started this… whatever it was. And now he had to finish it.

 

"Yeah, well, you thought wrong. Go fall in puppy love with someone else."

 

She gave him a look. "Like who?"

 

"Like…" Oh, hell, she had a point. Married man, man of God, her brother, Mal… "Mal!"

 

Off of her frown, he continued, "Big damn hero cap'n in tight pants always doing the stupid noble thing. Girls are spo'sed to like men like that, not dried up old mercenaries. Now git!"

 

River rose from the bed and collected the book with more dignity than Jayne had ever seen a person display before, including Inara. 

 

Before she left, she looked him dead in the eye. He tried to look away but found that he couldn't. 

 

"She'll do as he asks," she said, voice low. "She won't bother him again."

 

"Good," he grumbled and lay down, punching at his pillow. "Maybe then I can get some gorram sleep!" 

 

But when the bunk door shut after her, he remained wide awake for hours.


	7. My Spot

The atmosphere on Serenity was tense for a number of reasons. Well, two reasons, really. The biggest reason was that the crew had a tricky job coming up that required careful planning and very little wiggle room for any mistakes that might crop up. Mal and Zoe spent every mealtime with their heads together, going over every last detail, making sure everything was clear.

 

The other reason was the rift between River and Jayne. Every time he entered a room she happened to be in, she’d drop whatever she was doing and leave without so much as a glance in his direction. Mealtimes were especially charged since they were forced to be in the same room together. She’d sit on the same side of the table as him but she’d make sure to have two people between them, usually her brother and Kaylee. Everyone gave Jayne confused looks, but he’d hunch over his plate, wordlessly telling them to leave him be.

 

One night, Jayne was the first to the table. Book had returned from a stay at his abbey and had brought real food back with him: potatoes, peas, carrots, corn, and real beef steaks though they were small. The others trickled in one by one and helped Book bring dishes to the table.

 

The last to enter the mess was River, who promptly sat to the right of the head of the table, which was Zoe’s place next to Mal.

 

Zoe raised her eyebrows but didn’t comment, instead taking a seat between Wash and Inara.

 

Mal set the basket of rolls on the table as he sat down. “Well, hey there, little one. You gonna be keepin’ me company?”

 

“Yes,” River said, sweetly. “I love my captain.”

 

Every head snapped towards Jayne and he quickly set about cutting up his steak, teeth clenched.

 

“Uh, right. Kaylee, you wanna hand me the peas?”

 

“Sure, Cap’n.”

 

The weird moment passed and the conversation shifted to one of the lighter stories of the war Mal and Zoe had. Everyone except Jayne ended up doubled over the table, laughing.

 

It wasn’t that the story wasn’t funny. It was just that every time he looked up, he’d see River, all smiley and shiny and he wasn’t the one making her look that way.

 

_Get used to it, Cobb. You asked for it._

 

Yeah, but did she have to look so damn happy about it?

 

The laughter started to die down and Mal sat back in his chair, patting his stomach. “Well, I declare preacher, this here has been the most satisfyin’ meal we’ve had on this boat since who knows when. Much thanks.”

 

Everyone else added their thanks as well.

 

“Oh, you’re all very welcome.” Book smiled. “I kept it as a surprise, but there’s peach cobbler in the oven if anyone wants dessert.”

 

“I think I can make room for cobbler,” Wash said, slapping his belly.

 

“You might wanna watch your waistband, husband,” Zoe teased.

 

Wash kissed her cheek. “Aw, there’ll just be more of me to love!”

 

Mal got up and went to the oven as Book said, “Be careful Mal, it’s very-“

 

“OW!”

 

“Hot.”

 

River, Simon, Inara, and Kaylee all leaped up at once and rushed to his side. Jayne snorted laughter but kept a straight face when the shepherd sent him a look.

 

“Cap’n, you okay?”

 

“Honestly, Mal, who picks up a hot pan bare-handed?”

 

“It’s not a serious burn, let’s just run it under the tap for a minute…”

 

Everybody settled down and Jayne smirked a little until he noticed that River and Mal hadn’t returned to the table.

 

He looked up in time to see River raise Mal’s hand to her mouth for a kiss. The kiss lasted only a second but it felt more like a year in Jayne’s mind.

 

“There, all better.” And her eyes sparkled.

 

Jayne sat up so fast he knocked his chair over.

 

“ _Jayne_ , wh-“

 

He speared the leftover baked potato onto his plate and stormed from the room. In his hurry to get down into his bunk, he nearly dropped the plate but righted it as he cursed. This night could only get worse if he spilled all this nice food on the floor.

 

He dropped down onto his bed and started stabbing at the potato with more force than was really necessary. Maybe if he stabbed hard enough and really concentrated, he could make Mal feel it. Like the hoo doo or whatever from Earth That Was.

 

He was so lost in his thoughts that he almost missed the sound of his bunk opening. He didn’t look up; the soft, nearly silent steps indicated that his intruder was barefoot and only one person on Serenity disliked shoes.

 

“He’s wearing his mad face to hide the hurt inside.”

 

“And she’s gettin’ on his last nerve,” Jayne snarled. “Didn’t I tell ya to stay out of here?”

 

She stepped in front of him, so close her dress brushed his knees. 

 

“He says lots of things.”

 

No kidding. _Stab._

 

“Jayne? She did as you asked; why are you so angry?”

 

“Not angry.” _STAB._

 

“So why are you punishing the tuber?”

 

“The what?” He looked up at her, frowning.

 

Her head tilted to the side. “I didn’t want the Captain, you know. I wanted Jayne.”

 

“Why?” Jayne exploded. “Why the hell do ya want me? I ain’t… I ain’t a good man. Everybody wants better for you and I ain’t it.”

 

River sighed. “You make me happy. That’s enough for everyone. But this doesn’t concern them. Just Jayne and River.”

 

Jayne stared at her, stupidly. “You sayin’ the crew’s fine with…”

 

“Well, Simon isn’t. But it’s none of his business. And he’s a boob.”

 

He dropped his gaze back down to his plate. This was a joke, right? Months ago, everyone noticed the way he’d been watching the girl and they’d all come up with this plan to jerk him around. Hell, he’d done enough underhanded things to deserve something like that.

 

“Jayne?” She’d dropped to her knees in front of him. “If you like the girl, just say so.”

 

Right, here’s where he tells her he hasn’t been able to think of another woman but her and everyone pops out to point and laugh.

 

Scowling, he looked back up at her to tell her to buzz off but stopped.

 

Her big, pretty eyes were so hopeful and shiny that this had to be for real. A woman wanted him not for the coin he could pay or to be a warm body to scratch an itch and chase away loneliness for a short time, but for the simple reason that he made her happy. She hadn’t had a whole hell of a lot to be happy about the last few years and to think he could give her that was downright humbling.

 

Not to mention she made him happy, too. The last few weeks without her around had been miserable.

 

There was no choice to make, really.

 

“I like the girl,” Jayne said, quietly.

 

River’s answering smile was so dazzling he had to blink. Then she cupped his face in her hands and pressed their foreheads together.

 

“Took you long enough,” she whispered against his smiling lips.

THE END


End file.
